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A Season of Grief




Beautiful souls,


It’s been a minute! It’s been a second! It’s also been what feels like an eternity.


It’s not just a case of time rushing by, warping, or standing still.


I seem to have been silenced by some unknown force. Each time an idea for this blog has risen…”Oh yes, that’s what I will say”…it disappears as quickly as it came.


My post for June still sits on my computer, unfinished, thoughts hanging in space. I thought I had accidently deleted it but found it hanging out in the cloud.


Like me…hanging out in a cloud, not quite able to articulate what’s happening for me…not quite grasping what it all means. If I have learned anything on my journey of recovery and life though, sometimes it’s just simply enough to show up. Even when showing up looks like falling down. And sometimes… the understanding of it all, unravels itself in real-time.

Some of you may know I recently moved. A big move. A move that feels like it’s still moving. The transition for my son has been profoundly “crunchy”. Everything is unfamiliar which is not ideal for a young man with autism and anxiety, and for the first time in his cognizant life, he has to share me with someone else (my partner).


The transition for me is also crunchy. It looks a bit like dropping a bag of small, round beads on a tile floor and watching them scatter in a thousand different directions. I’m doing my best to remain calm as my sure-footedness disappears, leaving me slipping and sliding around in this new space, dragging my son along but also holding on to him for dear life. As I write this, I'm enjoying the visual...truth, perfectly articulated.


I’ve been reading the astrology for this month…Cancer season, my moon sign. All accounts reference honoring and holding emotion, letting ourselves feel our feelings and figuring out how to move in sync with our intuition.


Mine is yelling…


PAUSE

DON’T PUSH

CRY

DON’T SUPRESS

BE QUIET IF YOU WANT TO

DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO AND NOT WHAT YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DO


To be honest, I’ve been suspicious of these messages. And yet, I seem to be listening.


I have been at a loss for words on social media. And so, I haven’t been posting aside from sharing and highlighting things I am already doing.


I paused my Expand Beyond Recovery membership because it’s summer, and I’ve been wanting to retool it for a while now, to make it more accessible and better serve my members. In the meantime, I've opened up my private EBR Facebook group to all who want to join. I'll offer some free yoga classes and perhaps a sharing circle or two over the summer. This is what I wanna do, free of the "shoulds".


I have wiggled myself out of some commitments I made a while back. I have said no to some new opportunities. I’ve cried a lot. And I’ve felt the lick of white-hot rage (as recently as last night) at the most mundane things. Me, trying to untangle my mother’s fine silver chain from three other necklaces…swearing at the careless packing job I had done. Finally letting my partner go at it so I wouldn’t break it apart in a fit of anger.


Speaking of my mother, I think I am finally feeling some grief over her death in 2022. Grief is an elusive and hard-to-pin-down experience. “Am I doing this right?” Grief is an emotion unto itself. Sometimes a memory, a nostalgic sliver that pricks my heart and squeezes the tears from eyes. Sometimes that feeling of white-hot rage. Other times a numbness or vague ripple of uneasiness and impending doom. “Something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is.” Have you ever felt that feeling? I’m dumping it into the grief bucket.


I watched my son turn 18 in June, with I’ll admit, moments of disbelief and horror. It felt like a scene in a movie, way off in the distance, the camera zooming in closer and closer. I could only make out the shape and the form at first, but now, the details are clear. I am a mother of a young man who is facing numerous challenges as he transitions to adulthood. As I contemplate his future, fear busts into the room without warning. And grief is there, hanging out behind, watching it all go down. The grad parties, the exciting plans for summer, the jobs, the talk of college or university in the Fall…these experiences are not there for me or my son. I am grieving.


PAUSE

DON’T PUSH

CRY

DON’T SUPRESS

BE QUIET IF YOU WANT TO

DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO AND NOT WHAT YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DO


This is salve for my soul.


I've spent the past few years, working hard, creating a life in recovery that has seriously surpassed in many ways, the dreams I had for myself. It took a lot of leaping, a lot of feeling-the-fear-and-doing-it-anyway, and a lot of putting myself out there in the world when I didn’t feel ready or even worthy. I did all this, and it helped me to learn to trust myself, after years of bad decisions and the-even-worse guilt trips. I stretched into the stretch goals and even when they didn’t work out quite like I envisioned, there are no regrets. Personal growth is always a good thing.


Despite what feels like an unsteady path at the moment, I know that I’m really living my life. Recovery has given me the gift of doing just that in an intentional way, practicing what I am learning in real-time with no filters or buffers. Perhaps that is why I am giving less fucks than I ever have about things that I should be doing. I have learned to listen to myself.


Thank you, recovery. Thank you, experience. Thank you, life.


I hope this bit of writing today finds you reaffirming your decision to recover – from whatever it is you are recovering from. I hope you know that you are not alone. And you’re worthy of everything you envision for yourself.


If you need another reminder today, recovering your true, perfectly-imperfect, authentic self is daily work. The practice of self-love is paramount. This quote says it all:


When you find yourself in a new circumstance, everything that requires healing is going to rush up to the surface.” Iyanla Vanzant


I wish you all the support and love you need in your healing.


P.S. For anyone who has recently joined my newsletter/blog/journal…a warm welcome to you. Sharing this writing - when I wanna ;) – is a way for me to articulate my experiences, insights, a-ha moments and all the crunchy bits too. I hope the words inspire you to listen to yourself and to keep going and growing on your journey.


I invite you to join my Facebook group, Expand Beyond Recovery, a place where I share tips & tools, resources and inspiration for women on a journey of recovery. It's a place for us all to share and support each other. Give me a holler and let me know you are there!


Love,


Payton xx



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