How do you see yourself?

There are a few common themes woven through the experiences of recovering women. Women recovering from "all the things" as we like to say in our communities, are more alike than not. Even though our time in recovery, our background and traumas, our support systems and bank accounts may differ, more often than not, we're all singing the same song...or at least humming the same tune.

It's a song about self-worth, a little ditty about how unlovable we feel, how carefully we have created a public persona and how terrified we are of anyone finding out who we really are. The "nothing-to-see-here" woman who is a just a part of the scenery. Even with a burning desire to be seen, this woman is always in camouflage. Sometimes, she's chameleon, her external presentation mirroring whatever environment it's in. She becomes invisible.

I've been a shape-shifter for most of my life. I hid my true self behind a facade I thought, fooled everyone. Eventually, it crumbled. From that point on, the work has been to accept myself and be myself, just as as I am.

It's no easy task for women. Our self-image has been shaped externally, with magazines, social media and patriarchal systems demanding that we look, talk and act a certain way. The mirror reflecting back at us is as false as any lie and the searing light it casts burns this false image into our retinas. It takes a lot of effort and focus to unsee that image, to remember ourselves as entered the world...unique, beautiful and powerfully real.

This is the part where, if this resonates, you say..."Okay, I'm picking this up, for sure. But how exactly do I change the way I see myself?"

Stay with me.

Stay with me even though I'm not going to tell you there's a switch that you can flick. This journey is not a "before and after" or "then and now" kind of journey.

Like most of the profound life lessons, it's a slow awakening; one built on the back of repeated attempts of all things we practice in recovery. And then...giving it over, placing it into the ever-standing-by hands of time.

It's giving ourselves compassion and grace in the face of our fuck-ups. It's trusting that whatever crunchy part of life is happening, it will eventually smooth out.

It's accepting and adhering to the hard, fast and wise rule that feelings are not facts. It took me a long time to accept this. Feelings come and go, rise and fall. Feelings lie to us, fiercely protecting the story we are telling ourselves. Feelings keep us pinned to the bottom of our stormiest seas, lungs and heart bursting. It's hard to see or swim a way out of our biggest feelings a lot of the time.

Along with practicing self-compassion and grace, we must do our best to remember this: I am "one-and-only", a divine being living a human life on an incredibly complicated planet...in an incredibly complicated time. Marianne Williamson writes in her enduring and beautiful book "A Return to Love":

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,

talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won’t feel insecure around you.

The way you move, the way you enunciate your words, your ideas, your talent, the love that you express and share with the people closest to you...

The way your eyes light up, the way you laugh, the way you cry...

Your desires, your dreams and creations...

Your energy, actions and the vibrations that ripple out from you.

You are brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous!

Let me share this example.

Does this ever happen to you? You meet someone for the first time. You notice their physical characteristics, the energy and vibes they emit. You learn their name, you exchange pleasantries and then you dance in conversation. An imprint is made.

The next time you see them, you notice how large and green their eyes are. You delight in their squeal of laughter. You admire the way they stretch their arms into space in the middle of telling a story. You start to focus on their unique attributes, making a mental note to yourself..."oh this is what happens when she/he/they laugh".

You start to fall in love a little.

Now, I'm not saying this occurs with everyone you meet, and there are varying degrees of it. The point is, they've done nothing different in-between those times of meeting. You are just starting to really see them - their essence, their authenticity. And isn't that lovely? Doesn't that reflection feel like the best bits of being alive?

Now turn the mirror around.

How do you see yourself?

I know what you're doing. I've done it too. Comparison. The picking-at-the-seam of any little flaw you see or have made up about yourself. The quick slingshot into the external...how one is supposed to look, feel and act in the world: for your age, in your culture or community, because you're a woman in a man's world. The beauty you have witnessed in another being, somehow, can never be for you. How wrong is that?

In Costa Rica last November, the theme of the retreat I hosted was around connecting with our wise, wild and grounded feminine energy. I really wanted the women attending to SEE themselves, to be able to hold the beauty around them; our natural surroundings, each other, and most importantly themselves. On hot and humid afternoon, we sat under the tin roof of our covered yoga deck, sipped warm cups of a freshly made cacao drink and talked and journaled our way though all of the obstacles on the path to our wise woman.

I asked the group, "what is the meanest thing you've ever said to yourself"? This wasn't where I meant us to stay...it was simply an opportunity to speak it and release it. Releasing shame so we could let our inner-critic off the hook because that is what she survives on...shame. It's not about booting her out of the throne room. It's about asking her to take some space so the wise woman can speak.

Next we put our names in a hat. We had spent six nights and five full days together at this point. If you've been on retreat, you know that feels like a year. We had spent time huddled in conversation, moving joyfully together on jungle paths and in natural spring pools fed by waterfalls. We had sat in circle and held all the feelings for each other. I knew it was time to open our hearts and let ourselves be seen as we really are. Each woman pulled a name and we took turns, telling the person who's name we had drawn, what we most admired about them, describing in great detail how strong, how powerful and how special they were. We spoke of each other's kindness, of our magic and beauty, and our divine capacity for connection and love.

As we took turns sharing, the rain began...and suddenly it poured down heavy and loud. We had to move into a tight circle to be heard (and not get soaked). The sound of the rain on the tin roof was like a thundering chorus. I remember taking this all in, these lovely women, eye to eye with each other, at times only hearing whispers of what was said but understanding everything by the look on the recipient's face. Not too mention, the delight in the givers of this information, the ones holding up the mirror. It was an honour to be that for each other.

So you see, your authenticity is holy. What you see as ordinary, or worse, something to be hidden, is actually sacred. When you do the work of recovery and healing, you begin to see something different in the mirror.

Love and strength.

Experience and wisdom.

Human and soul/spirit.

And the more you can align with that version of yourself, the better everything feels - relationships, work, passion projects and purpose, life in its entirety. Your physical and mental well-being begins to settle. Your ability to cope strengthens. Your perspective expands. It's easier to breathe.

This spring I had new photos done by an old friend who's also a gifted photographer. My last photos were taken in 2020 and I've changed considerably since then. I wanted some professional quality photos...but I also wanted to look like me in them. I'd bypass photo-shoot makeup and bring along a couple of hats and my red suit. Plunk me in the woods, point and shoot. I love what we got. My photographer, Annie shares that for her, photography is a tool for reflection and self-remembrance—a way to uncover the spark in someone’s eyes and to offer back a mirror that says: "you are worthy." I decided I needed to have her on retreat with us in Costa Rica this year. An offering of a portrait session that will deepen the energy of this experience for each woman. Wild and grounded. Authentic and wise. Embodied. Worthy. I can't wait!

If you are interested in exploring how you see yourself, and the healing that comes with owning your feminine wisdom and power...in a place of wild beauty, join us. The Expand Beyond Recovery La Anita Rainforest Jungle retreat happens November 15-22, 2025 and an incredible group of women are already forming. There's lots of details on my registration page (click on the link above) and I'm here to answer any questions! (Don't be shy, there are no silly questions when it comes to a retreat!)

If you'd like to read about a past participant's retreat experience, click here and read Jennifer's guest blog on our 2024 trip to La Anita!

In closing...

I hope my reflections today help you remember how uniquely amazing you are.

I hope this journal serves as a reminder that you GET TO CHOOSE what you see, and who you see in the mirror. It may take some practice to really see...but that's what we do in recovery.

We practice. Because we're worth it.

In love and solidarity,

Payton xo