Courage, My Dear!

Oooooweeee!

It’s been a CRUNCHY winter so far!

Where I live? SO. MUCH. SNOW. And the sound of it under my winter boots, the iced-locked wheels of my car when I turn corners...crunchy, indeed! I could say the same about my nervous system.

And then there’s the rest of the world!

"WTF?" is the question that’s popping into my head. It started back in what, 2023? Or maybe it's more like 2016? Then again, 2001 was a reality-bending year. Yes, I’ve lived life and there’s been a lot of joy in that living, but sitting quietly behind the joy is an uneasiness. I think my generation - Generation X - we understand and accept now that we are no longer different than our parents and grandparents, who grew up with what we thought were unimaginable circumstances, both individual and collective. They may have had trauma and turmoil right under their own roofs. They definitely lived through times where collective trauma played out in the newspapers, in stories that one can't un-read and can't help but tell again.

Life feels scary right now. As connected as technology has us, society is fractured. Which brings me to what I wanted to write about. Courage.

My life circumstances have had me wrestling with courage, with how to be brave, for most of my life. I think I came out of my (birth) mother knowing that I was leaving safety and being delivered into uncertainty. I was born scared and fear can be a bit of a bully. It will press you up against the door, breathe heavily in your ear, while whispering all your dark thoughts in gory detail. At some point, when you can’t just hear anymore, you have to make a move. Am I going to free myself? Am I going to shake off this monster, open and walk through the damn door? Yes, I am. That’s pretty much been my standard answer. That of course, doesn’t mean that I haven’t walked through a trap door or 10. And it certainly doesn't mean the fear left me.

Starting a journey of recovery takes courage. Courage takes inspiration, imagination and it takes practice. When you begin to envision your life without your coping mechanism, your best friend, your “God”…well, it isn’t pretty. The transition is painful and scary. I remember thinking at the beginning of my journey, “How am I ever going to live my life without alcohol?” I didn’t believe I could and the odds were stacked against me. I managed a high-end culinary venue where fine wine and curated cocktails were often the main course; my few good friends and the resulting social life of my job, revolved around drinking and partying; I didn’t know how to cope with stress (and I had a lot of it). Picking up a few bottles of wine on my way home and sipping my way through at least one of them by myself was my way. When I drank alone, I'd always try to leave a little bit so I could cork it and pretend that I hadn’t polished off the whole bottle.

When one bottle started to turn into two bottles and my life was sliding down the edge of a steep cliff, I knew I had reached a turning point: I keep going as I was and who knows what would happen to me, or I change. I gathered every little bit of courage that addiction hadn’t taken from me, and I scrambled up the cliff and waved the white flag of surrender. That was over 10 years ago. My sober life, even with all the standard human muck and mess, is better than I ever dreamed it could be.

A few years ago, I chose “Courage” as my Word of the Year. The word I was going to carry with me through 2022 and let guide my intentions and actions. I chose it after reading a definition of courage by the author, David Whyte.

“To be courageous, is not necessarily to go anywhere or do anything except to make conscious those things we already feel deeply and then to live through the unending vulnerabilities of those consequences.”

“…to make conscious those things we already feel deeply and then to live through the unending vulnerabilities of those consequences.”

My heart turned upside down in my chest when I read this. Courage is not only being willing to open uncertainty’s door, but to also live in that room with grace. I think courage and grace are best friends. I don't know about you, but I’ve made many decisions where the consequences were not what I had planned for. Allowing myself grace as I navigated vulnerability is how I began to live authentically. Whether it’s a dangerous wake, a gaggle of debris or wide open liminal space, we can hold grace gently in our hands and hearts as we live as vulnerable human beings.

Courage and grace should be defined as best practices for being human! Especially NOW.

These days, courage is starting to feel like the opposite of rushing through a door or leaping into the unknown. It's feeling more like sitting stick straight for hours on a deeply uncomfortable chair listening to thrash metal. Courage requires more courage! The external happenings in the world have breached what we may thought impenetrable. I find myself looking inward to try and figure out what I can do personally, professionally and as a conscious human being. I haven’t figured out exactly what that looks like on a daily basis but I know it involves asking a lot of questions and digging into the very heart of my values to determine what really matters. It’s easier at times, to just “cope” with what is, especially in this age of distraction.

I do see and feel change happening around me. Courageous change. Individuals taking action and positively affecting the people around them. I want to stay in a hope mindset and remind myself that any changes I have the courage to make, causes not only my energy to shift but creates an energetic resonance. Recovering humans have been doing this for a while now. The line from the Serenity Prayer “the courage to change the things I can”, is one that’s been whispered quietly and spoken loudly and proudly in 12-step rooms all over the world. I’ve always loved this prayer, and I think it’s likely taking on a deeper meaning for many of us these days. If you don't know it, check out it!

I'll wrap up by sharing that this piece of writing tumbled out of my head on to the page very quickly, the title of it floating into my yoga savasana just yesterday.

“Courage, my dear!”

May we find it, may we practice it and may we live in it with grace and love.

Now before you exit it out of here, I’ve got a few other exciting things to share…

I've created a new free guide on my website: Awaken Your Wisdom: A Recovering Woman’s Guide to Expanding Beyond Recovery. I hope you’ll give it a download and a read! And I hope it serves you in a way that's meaningful to your journey

For anyone who lives in Ottawa, Canada (and the surrounding area), I’m doing a One-Day Mini Retreat at a lovely studio and B&B in Wakefield, Quebec. This mini-retreat will help you step into spring with renewed energy, inspiration, and a deepened sense of community. Yoga and mindful movement, workshop, creative activities, sharing circles and lunch, coffee/tea are included in the registration. There's even a very limited overnight add-on. Check out the details and register HERE!

If you are looking for an expanded RETREAT experience, join me at one of two locations in 2025. Both the Grace Happens Self-Care & Renewal Retreat in York Harbor, Maine and the Expand Beyond Recovery La Anita Rainforest Jungle Retreat will be incredible experiences for women in recovery, no matter where you are on your journey. And you know I’d love to spend time with you!

Stay warm, stay brave,

XO Payton