Well, here I am!
I’m at the beginning of my blog-writing journey from the space of my new business, Expand Beyond Recovery.
We’re approaching the end of 2022 which turned out to be my most unpredictable and plot-twisty year of the last three…predictably showing me just how resilient I am.
I’m in middle of many experiences including parenting, a committed relationship…and being in my 50’s. (Does anyone ever get used to the idea of being middle-aged?)
I’m happy to report that middle-aged me is feeling pretty darned happy. I feel present and I feel firmly planted in NOW. It’s not boring, not ordinary and plain like I used to believe all middles were. It’s spacious and calm. It feels like I’m floating in a sturdy boat at the center of a lake on an early summer morning: the soft blanket of silence beautifully interrupted by the sound of the water gently lapping against the boat; the occasional bird song echoing across the water. Goodness floats lightly in the air and I breathe it in.
November, like the slippery pages of a good book, is turning fast. I am getting ready for a month of reflection and integration with my membership group (the month in the year where instead of a new topic, we pause and create space to allow the magic of what we’ve created together, land and settle). In five days I am off to the sunny beaches of the Yucatan Peninsula to teach three weeks of yoga on retreat. I leave my 17 year old, high-needs son with his Dad and Stepmom. I already miss him simply saying this. Goodbyes, hellos and the transitions between the two turn out to be constant practice, constant growth and expansion for us both.
November is also the month where my three parents will take up space in my heart. My birthmother turned 74 on November 17th. She died of a drug overdose long before I ever had a chance to know of her and her life. My elderly adoptive Dad reaches the ripe, old age of 89 on the 22nd, the first birthday he’ll mark alone since he met my Mom 66 years ago. And I will approach her birthday, my adoptive Mom, at the beginning of December. Her ashes sit in an urn on the windowsill of my cabin. It’s black with a painted gold and silver moon on it. The urn is positioned so her view includes a birch tree, my garden box and the sprawling bush behind. She’s only been there for eight months. As I write this, I make a mental note that I must remember to say goodbye. I see myself whispering Happy Birthday Mom, as I kiss the tips of my fingers and press them against the cool ceramic. I’ll look into the eyes of the tiny picture of her that sits beside the urn. I’ll nod to the accompanying picture of her parents, Rex and Dorothy. See you in a month.
This never-ending cycle of beginnings, middles and endings, and all the pauses and movements along the way, has me feeling human AND divine. I feel most human in the middles and at the ends, my physical body radiating each stage I am at. More than anything, I love a good, fresh start and the opportunity to begin again. Divinity surely lives in the hope at the center of my heart.
And, you? What is starting? Stopping? Ending? What are you sitting in the middle of as we approach the completion of another cycle?
Maybe it’s a slow and steady ride down. Or maybe it’s feeling more like the steep decline of a rollercoaster ride. Wherever you are at the end of this year, I hope you can feel the divinity in your journey. I hope you can look back and see, feel and appreciate how far you’ve come. I invite you to spend the rest of November and December honoring who you are and where you are. Nobody is like you! The world needs your cycles in this life; all your stops and starts and the expansion and growth that comes with finding your center, your middle ground…again and again and again.
May we all remember to pause often, to look around and notice where and who we are.
Beginning.
Middle.
End.
Divine.
Human.
With love,
Payton
P.S. Looking to experience the wonder and work of recovery (and life!) with an intimate group of kindred souls? Looking for guidance, inspiration, resources and tools? Join my Expand Beyond Recovery membership and find more acceptance, more peace, more confidence and more creativity!