Don't FREEZE! Leaving the winter of my discontent...

It’s the second week of March and I am sitting at my desk in front of the window on the second floor of my townhouse, taking in the beautiful winter scene before me.

The two large trees in my front yard have a fresh layer of snow clinging to their bare branches. The Evergreens at the park across the street are freshly dusted. The dirty patches of ice and snow that covered the ground yesterday are sparkling white and clean. It’s not too cold out today but my bones are weary of this winter scene. If you live in the Northern hemisphere, I’m sure yours are too.

This winter has been frigid, snowy and a little terrifying. Not the word I would usually associate winter with but this year is "extra". Break-downs seem to be everywhere, on the news, in politics, global relationships, housing and mental health, in the structures and decorum that appeared to be holding everything together. Of course, we're living in a world that is turning itself inside out for good reason. The structures and decorum are oppressive to many humans. If we want to avoid extinction, we have to change but it's going to be a rocky ride.

I’m trying not to freeze.

I’ve been back in discussion and learning around my nervous system and brain as of late. A natural response I suppose, to hanging out more often in my sympathetic nervous system, the natural go-to-place post-trauma, shock, fear and/or anxiety. In this state, without permission or or even a discussion, our body physically prepares to fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Muscles tense, the heart accelerates, and our digestions slows so we can fight back or run like hell. A sense of dread, cooling extremities and restricted breathing signals the freeze response. Or we perhaps we find ourselves “fawning” which simply means doing everything in our power to please the people involved in the anxiety-inducing experience so we don’t have to feel the discomfort of it. This is common for those who have spent any time in neglectful or abusive situations. A good many women I know (including myself) have recognized this response in their healing and recovery.

Just recently, a dear friend who was experiencing some challenging situations and circumstances, said to me, “I’m just trying not to freeze”. I found myself thinking about that sentence – figuratively and literally. I realized the cold, inert feeling in my body had nothing to do with the temperature outside. It was the freeze response to a chaotic and unprecedented start of 2025 in North America. In the midst all that's going on, I'm launching a whole bunch of things to support recovering women and do more of what I love…retreats (local and international), online programs and a YouTube channel. I've been rushing hurriedly past the voice in my head that’s screaming, “this isn’t the time”, fingers in my ears and eyes fixed, humming loudly.

Because whenever is there the perfect time to do anything a little scary?

I still feel the bone-chill and icy awareness of perceived danger at the edge of my push forward. Just like if I was trudging over icebergs in the Arctic in double-digit minus-degree weather, I believe my best bet is to keep moving. My primitive brain, the one who wants to fight, flight, freeze or fawn is still with me and so is yours. Unfortunately, our brains have not evolved to understand the variances of danger, the difference between actual death and the death of sticky ideas, maladaptive stories and ego-lead behaviors. And that’s why we need to self-regulate, self-regulate and self-regulate some more!

I’ve made another discovery about myself in these early months of 2025. To keep moving, to leap into the dreamy unknown and all its possibilities, I need structure. I need a certain level of security. And there must be a process to follow. I uncovered this one day in a guided meditation with hypnosis trainer, author and coach, Melissa Tiers. She was introducing the group to this idea that we actually have THREE brains…the obvious one in our head, the one in our chest (heart-brain) and the one in our gut (intuitive-brain). This session was on New Years Day, and my newly chosen Word of the Year, "Wisdom", was on my mind. When she had us float our awareness around each of our three brains, it came to me that I chose this word Wisdom, not for the destination but for the journey. My choice wasn't about how am I going to be more wise, it was about tapping into, listening and acting on the wisdom I already possess. Her question to us was "what did we need to create this new year for ourselves"? My intuitive brain whispered structure. My heart followed with safety. My brain finished with a process. This realization was akin to popping the last tiny and random piece of a 1000-piece puzzle into place. Affirming and deeply satisfying.

As I finish this journal, we are in Lunar Eclipse in Virgo energy. I’ve invited an Astrologer to speak to my Empowered 2025 online cohort this Saturday. She's been guiding us on the subject of our “big three” – our rising, sun and moon signs and how they influence the way we walk through the world. This month’s theme of creating resonance with our WOTY and intention feels very much based in Moon energy – honoring who we are deep down and what we need to expand and grow; to speak our truth and share our gifts. As we all know, trying to control external forces and show up perfectly is an exhausting road to nowhere. Our awareness's, our thoughts and our actions, however, can create tidal waves of transformation.

So...DON'T FREEZE!

Do the thing! You will not die. You will in fact, live! You'll learn and grow and expand. That’s what we humans are here for, right?

The short version of this piece of writing…the seed of the idea came to me last Friday. Me in my big glasses, share it on a silly Instagram.

Speaking of doing the things…are you feeling ready to EXPAND BEYOND RECOVERY?

Join me for the next Embodied Book Club, Peace > Perfection starting in April. An embodied journey with an amazing book by therapist and author Katherine Morgan Schafler, that will move you from striving to do everything *right* and struggling with perfectionism, to feeling more confidence, inner trust, power and peace.

If you are ready for a recovery reset/spark/celebration to create more healing, more joy, more peace and more community, join me on RETREAT in 2025 or 2026!

And if you are in or near the Ottawa, Ontario region and feel called to celebrate the coming of Spring (celebrating "Ostara", a Spring Goddess) with a wonderful group of recovering women, I’m hosting a Mini-Retreat in Wakefield, QC on April 5th. I'd love for you to join us!

Yours in recovery,

Payton xo