Shame Redux: Going for the Root

If you look at one of my very first journals here on my website, it's called Recovery Stories: Unravelling Shame. I was early in my recovery when I wrote this, maybe two years. I was just beginning to understand that recovery meant much more than putting down (in my case) the bottle. I was starting to understand why I drank and what feelings it allowed me to escape.

As it always has, my life was presenting a myriad of opportunities to give a hard look at some reoccurring and destructive themes.

I had entered into a relationship with someone and ended up lending this person what was to me, a large amount of money. He slowly disappeared from my life in a series of confusing twists and turns, and to this day, I've not seen or heard from him (no lack of trying on my part). The money is gone.

This experience is just one of many that I've been dragging around with me all these years. And sure, I'll admit, it's a little lighter, a little less painful but here's the thing I've learned about shame. It's a bit like the plant known as "Creeping Charlie"; it spreads rapidly from one root by sending out stems that root at every joint. Shame deeply affects how we show up in all our relationships. Shame can alter the course of our lives.

I've got more perspective on the experience of shame than I did 11 years ago, for sure. I've pinpointed some of the roots, called-out it's creeping destructiveness and stopped it in it's tracks. But like that plant, it's hardy and it's determined.

I recently began doing some CODA work with my sponsor, a woman who has become a mother to me. We meet once a week, either in-person or on Zoom and we've been working our way through the 12 steps of Codependents Anonymous. Step 4, for anyone who hasn't done the 12 steps, is a bit of a beast. We've been here for weeks and the lessons are still knocking me over. I didn't intentionally call up shame but it showed up. This time, heading straight for my relationship with my adult son, who lives with autism and other conditions. I'm learning that not only do I have a co-dependent relationship with him - which is not all that surprising - but it's all tangled up with shame.

I co-parented with his Dad for 20 years and although it was no picnic at times, my son would go back and forth, allowing each of us to have a complete break from parenting. I knew that I was lucky to have that situation and it worked for many years...until it didn't. In early 2026, I became a full-time, primary caregiver to my adult child who needs a considerable amount of support. I'm privileged enough to have some weekly respite but this shift has been arduous and exhausting. The shame that's always been present in my parenting experience hasn't necessarily changed; there's just no break now. There are no times that I can completely disconnect from my tangled experience of parenting.

And what does my shame tell me?

It says: "you created this situation and you are getting what you deserve."

When my son melts down, Shame says: "he is a reflection of you and your parenting skills."

During these times, when people say, "It's okay, we understand", Shame says "they are lying, you should be mortified at this situation." And I'll admit, a lot of the time, I am. Of course, I am thinking of my son. I have a never-ending supply of compassion for him and how the world must feel to him. But I am also mortified, sad, ashamed and embarrassed. That, my sponsor says, is the root I must pull up.

When I chose my latest book club pick, I wasn't thinking specifically about MY shame. I was thinking of women in recovery and how often I've heard shame in their shares. I've always choose books that I believe will offer perspective and healing, especially when read and shared together. In my last Zoom session, I had a good laugh when I realized that I've chosen "Stronger in the Difficult Places: Heal your Relationship with Yourself by Untangling Complex Shame" by Dr. Zoe Shaw, as much for myself as for others.

I've listened and read the book twice and I am looking forward to what unfolds in our sessions together. I didn't fully realize there are different kinds of shame, which upon more reflection, makes sense! I do know there is a different between guilt and shame, and I know that shame and perfectionism are best pals. Dr. Zoe Shaw unpacks it all and shares her own story of shame...her childhood and the complicated experiences of motherhood she has journeyed through. As a therapist, she offers perspectives and tools to help support healing shame.

I'm looking forward to hosting the Embodied Book Club this fall. It will run for eight weeks, Saturdays from 12:30-2:00 PM EST on Zoom. As with all of the book clubs I've presented over the past few years, the author, Dr. Shaw will join us on for a live Q&A which is always an amazing integration piece. A wonderful group of women is forming and if this journal has got you thinking about your own journey with shame, we'd love to have you with us.

The Embodied Book Club is a little more than a typical book club. Yes, you purchase the book and read through it either on your own or with the group. You also receive the added benefits: embodiment & movement that supports regulation and expansion; journaling and different exercises that deepen understanding and connection to healing; and a community that you can walk with as you begin to untangle shame in your recovery and life. The investment is $229 USD

If this sounds like a journey you want to take this fall, join us HERE.

Shame wants us to feel isolated but we are not alone in this experience. And the more we find and follow the roots, the more we understand and heal our shame. However you are doing that (or even thinking about doing it) in your recovery, know that this is foundational work and pat yourself on the back for doing it. You know what they say - it ain't easy but it's worth it. You're worth it.

Yours in recovery,

Payton xo